Russell and Ciara – My take on many men’s reaction.

This was initially a response to a youtube video I was watching. I’ve changed, removed, and modified a few points to make it into a blog post.

A quick point I’ll make is that many of us need to focus more of our mental and emotional energy on building our own situation and finding “our own version of alpha.” Doing so will most certainly make other people’s situations less concerning and less triggering.

Here’s the “why” I’m presenting – why many of us as men are so triggered by(and obsessed with) Russell and Ciara’s marriage.

What we have at this point, is a need to be right. Many of us are married to certain narratives and ideas. It’s become an emotional need for many of us that this situation fit neatly into our existing “Alpha f***s, beta bucks” paradigm/model. I’m not going to engage in the gaslighting, dismissal and ad-hominem criticism that many(read black women) engage in with regard to the conversation. Instead I’m going to make an appeal to reason. Maybe – just maybe, we need to recalibrate what we consider “alpha” and “beta” and ” Chad.” Yes Russell looks and overall presents like “us”(Squares/Educated Lames). Certainly that should make him non-select and unattractive to black women from our perspective. He’s most certainly a victim in waiting who’s going to “get done dirty and cheated on with a guy like August Alsina or some ‘Future’ type of guy.” That’s what we’re so deeply convinced of.

That’s the model – the heuristic by which we’re judging their marriage. I’ll admit I still have my suspicions, but we should at least consider the possibility that we’re wrong. We should consider the possibility that perhaps that type of man can in fact be the alpha or the apex predator in the black community. Perhaps we should even watch and study to figure out how he’s making it work. I have my theory, but I’ll save that for a different blog post.

Kevin Samuels… Donald Trump

I was talking to a friend – one who’s not into YouTube like that. He’s aware of Kevin Samuels and the viral video situations surrounding him. I was explaining to him what the appeal is and what niche he’s taking advantage of. When I explained what the hook was, he replied “Oh so he’s basically Donald Trump for bitter black dudes and [educated lames].” Never articulated it that way, but that more or less hit the nail on the head. There were always alt-right and manosphere guys spewing their rhetoric but you could always dismiss them because they were either incels hiding behind avatars on Stormfront, life losers, or other various undesirables. Enter Donald Trump.  Here’s this successful, Ivy league educated, TV star, real estate mogul, and billionaire. He’s the alt-righter’s and white manosphere’s fantasy self. He can grab women by the [genitals] and get away with it. Because he’s rich and influential, women are watching and listening also. In fact, Trump won the white female vote in 2016. He’s saying things his base audience wants to say but either can’t say or wouldn’t be listened to.

Similarly, you’ve had the black manosphere for some time now. You’ve had upset black men screaming their rhetoric and talking points for a while. You could always dismiss them because these guys were “lame”, unsuccessful with women, “dusty”, broke, unattractive, etc. Enter Kevin Samuels. He has an engineering degree from a major university, Greek letters, and a history of working in and navigating corporate America. He’s 6’3″, immaculately dressed, has a high-quality, pristine, set up. He’s more or less presenting a cleaned up, refined version of black manosphere rhetoric, but women are tuning in and watching. He’s the fantasy self of many ELs and black manosphere types.

This is definitely not to be antagonistic or a take down. I consider myself a fan of his. This is merely my assessment of what’s at work.

How I lost her… Subtitle, Damn

I don’t recall all the specifics, but I did a ton of weirdo, creep stalker stuff. I did plenty of stuff throughout our interaction that in retrospect was flat out scary. Damn. This is how I behave when I’m enamored by a woman: like a thirsty, crazy, little bitch. She won’t tell me, but she’ll certainly tell the world over YouTube. She’ll recall all the creepy specific details and everyone will know what I did wrong. She’s probably telling her family and has probably filed a restraining order on me. I hadn’t even considered or evaluated my behavior, but yeah I was crazy. Yeah I really need counseling.

Personal Therapy

I’m not sure if I have any readership on this blog. I don’t produce nearly enough content for it to matter nor do I do anything to get my name out there. Therefore, I can totally get away with writing the same repetitive, emotional “I’m gonna self improve” type posts. Of course this is what I do after a dating disappointment. This one stung. I can’t be too mad though. She was pretty up there. She was a well dressed, very feminine, very sensuous, successful project manager. She lives in a 2 bedroom luxury apartment in a nice trendy area. She was very sexy (in my opinion at least). It’s not good to think this way, but she may have been out of my league. Maybe she wasn’t, but I couldn’t be strong nor confident dealing with her. I suppose “I” felt she was out of my league and it showed. It came out in my behavior and disposition. I’m sure I failed every shit test she gave me. I couldn’t recognize what were shit tests anyway. I don’t even like having to think this deeply about it to be honest. For now I don’t want to think about it. I just needed to get it out. I think I’ll do better making a list of how I can tangibly improve and perhaps improve in certain intangible areas. So here goes with the obligatory cheesy list.

1. Lost a lot of weight. Recently been hovering between 185 and 190. Maybe by next week I can be hovering between 180 and 185, then 175 and 180. That’d be nice.

2. I’m content with my work situation for the most part but I want to build my credentials, memorize my procedures, improve my technical vocabulary, and  build my overall work record and establish myself as competent member of the team.

3. Should be included with no. 2. I want to pass my A+, Net+, and MCSE

4. I want to restart my physical therapy. Get my shoulders and my right side back to functioning.

5. Get back in the gym. Start with the  following routine: 5 sets of 6 pull-ups (70 pounds of resistance). Bench press is probably at 175 now, Gonna shoot for 205 again. Incline is at 155 now, gonna shoot for 185. 3 sets of 15 shoulder shrugs at 60 pounds. 3 sets of 20 dumbbell curls at 25 pounds. I believe I’ve gotten my form right for bicep development. I’m going to try and sustain this for at least 6 months, then go further.

6. I’m working on building up my credit. I’m banking on a real estate crash. The houses I’m looking at are around 300k. If I can get one of those at about 250k with a good interest rate I’ll count that as a win.

7. Dating wise – and I suppose this is starting to get into the intangibles – I have to look for a new strategy. At the very least, I’m going to try to like who likes me. That’s going to be tough. Overwhelmingly the women who’ve shown the most interest are women I’m not particularly attracted to. So much of my self improvement is focused on what I can attract. The woman who curved me this weekend was ideal for me. I’m not sure what would put me on that level. And if what I have to do to get there costs my “soul” I’m not sure I would want it. Women know their worth nowadays I guess. The women I’m interested in – the ones I thirst after – are pretty up there. Just my basic criteria is proving to be quite premium. I didn’t realize how far outside of reality I was chasing – or at least how high above my level. I have a good job that pays well, but I’m not “high value.” I’m not conspicuously attractive, sexy, or even well endowed.

8. Confidence. It eludes me. It has a lot to do with what I base my confidence on. It’s so heavily based on female validation. Female validation is the only thing that’s true to me. I don’t like admitting to that, but it’s true. I take money and professional success for granted I suppose. What drives me is being chosen by a woman. Since I have yet to be chosen by a woman with “options” I feel deficient. I’m “beta.” If I have no sexual power, I have no power. At this juncture in my life I don’t have much confidence with women, at least not the ones I’m attracted to. I put them on a pedestal and behave accordingly toward them. They’re put off and turned off by my overtures and behavior. I don’t know if the trick is to find women I can be confident with or if I need to figure out how to be confident with women in general. Whatever the case may be I need to figure it out.

9. I’m not sure what exactly this looks like, but I need to be more graceful(smooth).

10. I need to learn how to keep my composure. I’m easily rattled. I try to practice stoicism. I’m not very good at it right now.

11. I wouldn’t mind having some sexual confidence. In fact I wish I had it. While I’m not well endowed, when I can actually get an erection, women have generally responded pretty well to it. Diabetes coupled with my diet have destroyed my equipment. I eat a bit of fruits and vegetables, but it’s still not what I had in my 20s. I started reading about natural male enhancement on sites like pegym and thunder’s place. I haven’t gotten around to trying it. I also felt somewhat convicted about it faith wise. I wish I had more to work with and that it worked strongly and consistently.

12. I wish I was overall more masculine. I know strong masculine men, and I’m not one of them. I figure money, a gun, a well built physique, a Black belt, and a larger “tool” can make up for what I lack. If no woman validates it however, it may all be for naught. Hopefully having those things will themselves give me the self esteem I’m looking for.

Dating… Sigh

It’s always a less than comfortable topic for me. If I’m writing about it there’s probably something crappy going on. So okay, here goes. I’ve been dating quite a bit lately. I’ve spent more than I care to – especially this past weekend. I should probably be happy right now. For the most part, the women I’m dealing with seem to desire for things to progress. I’m bugged out however. The one I have the highest opinion of – the one I’m really pining for is the least available. She’s “busy.” I know what it is. I’m not that high on her list. It’s quite unfortunate however. She’s the one I’m really into. She’s just not that into me. I’m not really excited about the other women I’m seeing. They seem pretty excited on their end however. I’m trying to process why I’m so bothered. She’s not that into me. Move on to the next one. Right? For Christsakes I got 4 others. There are women who’ve curved me and stopped talking to me, but it didn’t affect me at all. This one however, is affecting me and painfully so. It’s messing with my sense of myself. The others I lost because of jerk tendencies. She’s getting nice patient Louie. Louie is neither nice nor patient. She’s not the most available to talk to. She insists she doesn’t get most of my texts. She turned me away when I saw her last and attempted to kiss her. I plan on throwing a hail Mary with her – not because I expect it to actually work, but to wash my hands of the situation and start the process of getting over it. I’m going to eat the emotional damage but I’m not sure what I’m supposed to learn from it. Maybe the lesson is simply that I’m not there yet.

Emotional Diarrhea

I’ve agreed to seek counseling. I recently called a free counseling service to try and enroll. I haven’t gotten in touch with them yet, but I hope to soon do so. Lately I’ve had a few moments where I’ve been emotionally riled up. I watched a few YouTube videos from women that were very scathing and antagonistic towards men. I was upset and they stung a bit, but I was able to think my way through them. I dismissed them as “cheesy attempts at clapping back.” I consume a lot of content from the (black) manosphere. Plenty of harsh criticisms of (black) women. What they say makes sense to me. It all rings as true and correct.

Here’s where things went awry. I was on IG and I passed by the page of Angel Ramirez Jordan. Men like himself and Lenon Honor are “anti-manosphere.” He presented a video titled “Why black men don’t protect black women.” I thought for once he might actually try to contextualize life as a man and the grievances and concerns that go along with it. I thought for once he’d acknowledge the humanity of men. Nope. It was a 30 minute montage of men singing the praises of the “black Godess” and some crossed over into berating men. So many people love to issue “tough love” to men. Dating and life coaches do it a bit as well. Women love to see it. They love to see a man “checking other men.” It strokes their own ego. What are some things that irritate Louie? Man-shaming…”You ain’t a real man…”, “A real man does/is/should…” I get all the more irritated when it comes from a man. I think about how dismissive guys like Lenon Honor are when men try to contextualize our situation. I think about how no one really wants to hear male grievances – at least not for long. I think about how much we’re gaslighted and how much “yeah, well you know what else…”-ism we’re presented with. Tonight I thought about all of that started to rage out and contemplated brutally attacking the next man I heard do or say such.

It came at an interesting time. I prayed for God to show me how to be more composed and control my emotions, and show me how I could get better as a man. At the very least it showed me that I need to control how I react to certain stimuli and get in the habit of thinking things through. I need to train my responses to be controlled and to reason my way through things. It’d also be nice if I could continue to master humility, but simultaneously maintain a composed masculine frame.

I had some embarrassing and humiliating moments at my job lately. I lost my composure and reacted emotionally and to a small extent, made a scene. I consider it a failure on my part. After I was able to calm down, I was able to think and reason more clearly. Removing myself from certain situations may be a helpful strategy. I still need to figure out what to do when I can’t remove myself, and how to think and reason with composure.

I need to parse some of this out. My emotional responses to people have affected my ability to learn. It’s affected certain places in life I was trying to reach that I couldn’t.

I’m not sure where I’m going with all this. I’m just getting it all out.

Louie takes an emotional dump

So I was having a pretty crappy day with various personal relationships. A close female friend decided she no longer wanted to deal with me because I can be calloused and judgmental. Subsequently my best friend – whom I consider like a brother – curved me and no longer wants to deal with me. He’s been put off by my sexual marketplace loser rhetoric. No one cares nor wants to hear the struggles of a man like me. I went to a woman who’s still a friend. I told her about some of my plight and explained some of what I’m dealing with. She wanted to know what an emotional dump from me looks like and sounds like. I decided to let loose. My first draft was very rough and needed  editing.  The following is a grammatically cleaned up version of that exchange.

The Overall Issue:

I’m chasing an ideal – an ideal as a man. I have deeply seeded beliefs of what a man is supposed to be – A synchronized combination of stoic, aggressive, and assertive. Because I’m not naturally that way I often feel I’m defective. At various points in my life I was bullied and beaten up. In many ways growing up I felt like there was something wrong with me – that I was defective. An outgrowth of my insecurity and broken self esteem is my obsession with being able to attract a certain tier/type of woman. It’s my evidence that I’m not defective. I believe we are what we are, but I’m trying to load up on looks and money because at least then I can always say to myself…”Oh you think I’m corny? Well these pecs and biceps ain’t corny. This [European Luxury Car] ain’t corny. This 4000 square ft house ain’t corny. That orgasm I just gave that attractive woman last night ain’t corny.” That’s the foundation of it.

Getting deep into it:

I’ve come across “red pill” information and talking points. It’s proven to be quite a troublesome rabbit hole. I have some honest female friends who have cosigned those red pill ideas and talking points. I coupled my own insecurities with this new information .  Subsequently, it has added to the issues I have with women. I’m angry with the female collective for not being honest and forthcoming about what they are and what they want. I’ve been informed about the darker aspects of female nature – particularly sexual and mating nature. I know why women can’t be honest. Even guys like myself who insist we want the truth can’t really handle the truth. I’m going to judge women for the truth – but I still want it. I’m not even sure what use I have with the truth, but I want to hear them say it. When they do own up to it I’m mocking and judging them. I questioning whether I want to commit to and partner romantically with a woman.

Deeper into the problems caused by the Red Pill:

According to Red Pill thinking – which at this point I’m convinced of – many women won’t require much in the way of time and/or effort to cross certain physical lines if she’s genuinely comfortable with and attracted to a man. Heck, she wants to experience him just as much as he wants to experience her. While I’ve been a beneficiary of that aspect of a woman’s nature it’s become a double edge sword in the area dating and trying to connect to a woman romantically. If she’s making me wait or put in what seems to be added effort romantically, maybe she’s just not that into me. “Why is she wasting my time? Is she trying to game me and manipulate me? Does she just like attention or nice free dinners?” Obviously there’s a gargantuan blind spot. I made it a zero sum game when reality is much more nuanced. Maybe she’s in fact looking forward to physically engaging with me but “doesn’t want to make that mistake again with another man…” Maybe she recently ended a relationship and doesn’t want to hastily open herself to a new man. Maybe she has an STD and wants to protect me because she does in fact, see me as a great guy(which thank God, I’ve been a beneficiary of at least 3 times.) It could be any reason, but I should’ve at least allowed for that and not reacted the way I did.

Speaking of “into and attracted.” I’m neurotic about whether or not a woman is genuinely attracted to me. I’m terrified that I’m just “Tuesday night’s dinner” or a “practical consideration.” Another red pill belief I’m convinced of: looks/attractiveness matters to women. Consequently I believe that it’s not too far outside of a woman’s nature to sleep with a man on the basis of pure animalistic attraction. This is also something I’ve been the beneficiary of. There have been instances when I was a bit more fit and in a better place in life where I encountered a woman and didn’t really talk to her or much less give her anything personality-wise to actually connect to. I can say with certainty she went to bed with me on the basis “oooh look at this cute guy in the suit…I wonder what he’s working with.” Again, it’s another double edged sword.  I’ll now meet a woman. I’m attracted to her. It seems like we’re having a great conversation. It seems like we genuinely get along as people, but she either rejects me outright or designates me as a nice friend. My mind instantly goes to “she just wasn’t into me or wasn’t attracted to me.” That might not be the case, but it’s the only answer that makes sense to me especially given the first half of this narrative.

Other Issues:

I resent some of my friends. They’re so much of what I wish I was as a man. I resent God for not making me more like that. I have more to say, but I need to organize my thoughts.

Too much time on the pity pot.

I have to be honest with myself. There’s a good number of women who’d be happy to have me as the man in their life. The issue is, I’m not attracted to them. They’re not the women I actually want. I recently adopted a policy of no longer dealing with women I don’t want. I’ve done too much damage and hurt too many people.

Meanwhile, I spend an inordinate amount of time feeling sorry for myself. I’m certainly doing the work of trying to self improve in ways that will attract women who are closer to what I desire. It’s just that it’s taking longer than I’d like. Even after I’ve developed the tangible attributes that I feel I’ll need to attract such women, I still have to work out the intangible attributes of game and personality to successfully engage with such women. I shouldn’t be in this mode however. I know what’s before me. I know what it is I want. It’s just that every failure feels dramatic. It’s a grand reminder of where I stand. Honestly I don’t even think it’s about the women. It’s about my position in the game. It’s what the women I can attract tell me about myself. Again though. The onus is on me. I’m not “starving.” I’m just not getting to enjoy the foods that I want. So I’m frustrated, and I’m emotional. What would make me feel better? Another 10 pounds down? Visible muscles in my arms chest and shoulders? A bigger d**k? Whatever it may be, I need to always remember: The isn’t about not getting, It’s about my preferences.

Progress Update

Every so often, I have to do this. I have to keep in mind what I’ve done and what I need to do. This is a type of therapy for me. I have to do a type of soft audit of achievements and improvements. This typically comes after some form of disappointment – usually in the arena of dating. I kinda-sorta knew it, but I’ve finally vocalized it in a conversation with a friend. “I’m not at the level of the women I want.” I’m getting there. I’d even say I’m close. I’m just not there yet. So here’s where I am.

1. I got a new job that pays pretty well – more money than I’ve made at any position. I’m lucky however, Covid-19 has created an opportunity for me to mostly study for certification exams. I have to keep working on my skills overall so I can become a fixture in the role. I need to get more certs as a selling point and a way of validating my skills. That way if something happens and I lose this awesome job I can bounce into another even higher paying job.

2. Speaking of certs I now have 5 of them. Professional Scrum Master, ITIL, Lean 6 Sigma Green Belt, Comptia Project+, and CAPM. I’m studying for my Comptia A+/Net+/Security+ and subsequently an MCSE, then ultimately Cloud credentials.

3. I still live in a pretty nice apartment. I’m glad about that.

4. I’ve been losing weight. Although it’s mostly due to water cutting, I’m still excited to see low 190s on the scale. Another 10 to 15 pounds and that’ll be all the weight I desire to lose – unless I’m still seeing belly flab.

5. Because of Covid-19 I’m cautious about going to the gym. I do have a dumbbell that I work my arms with at home. I know exactly what I want to start doing if I ever get back in the gym: Bench press, inclined press, Declined Press, Assisted Pull ups, Shoulder lifts, Shoulder shrugs, Seated curls like I currently do at home, and vertical arm lifts.

6. I still need chiropractic assistance and help with my diabetes

7. I downloaded an app to track my intermittent fasting. It does appear to be helping.

8. After I’ve paid off my consumer debt I want to start buying nice clothes again.

9. I obviously want to save, invest and start looking toward buying a home again.

10. Still haven’t started working on certain other areas, but I hope I get to.

11. Almost forgot. Had to come back and edit. I got a nicer and newer vehicle. Later year model, not wrecked. It absorbed the negative equity in my old car. Super blessed

12. Also in a different place faith wise. Not hardcore like at other points in my life, but my primary thing is to simply stay on God’s good side and pray for continued blessings in life. Things have been pretty good in that regard. I’m glad God is accepting what I’m offering. I need to be better though.

So yeah. The woman I want meets the 4 basic criteria below:

1. No kids

2. No STDs

3. A solid 6.5 or 7(or better) looks wise

4. 37 or younger(or at least younger than me)

5. The rest is simply mental, emotional, and spirtual compatibility.

I didn’t realize it, or didn’t really appreciate the reality of it, but those things are quite the premium to expect in the same woman. I need to be a more idealized version of myself if that’s what I want. I have to be professionally and financially stable. I have to get in shape to maximize my looks. I have to maintain positive energy and learn how to talk to and deal with women and people in general. I have to figure out a way to be more composed and maybe speak a little less.

I’ve made some gains, but I stil got a bit of ways to go.

The “Who Hurt You” Argument

So when certain men raise grievances about the current state of the mate market/sexual marketplace a common reply is “Who hurt You?” This is a part of a larger line of argumentation that the only persons who raise grievances about women or talk about the darker side of female nature and behavior patterns are simply scorned sexual marketplace losers. Well I’ll go ahead and concede that there’s plenty of truth in that in general. People as a general rule will not complain about a system im which they “win.” That expands beyond mating. It’s true with regard to racial grievances, female grievances with men and the larger patriarchal system, and [insert aggrieved group and their respective grievance here].

Here’s the flaw in the argument however: Does it delegitimize the talking points? Well, does a woman’s failure to obtain a privileged position in a patriarchal society delegitimize her concerns? Does any conservative talking point about black people delegitimize their concerns and grievances? For particular groups it’s perfectly acceptable to complain about the game when you’re losing. It’s interesting however, that even men(many of which are members of minority groups) are perfectly okay with making men’s romantic failures(and often subsequent legal problems) simply a matter of personal responsibility.

I’m sure someone will say it’s not the same. So saying the wage gap is largely due to female choices, and black socioeconomic issues is simply a matter culture, character and behavior issues is not the same as pointing out that a minority of men being favored by the majority of women are not equally legitimate concerns?