So when certain men raise grievances about the current state of the mate market/sexual marketplace a common reply is “Who hurt You?” This is a part of a larger line of argumentation that the only persons who raise grievances about women or talk about the darker side of female nature and behavior patterns are simply scorned sexual marketplace losers. Well I’ll go ahead and concede that there’s plenty of truth in that in general. People as a general rule will not complain about a system im which they “win.” That expands beyond mating. It’s true with regard to racial grievances, female grievances with men and the larger patriarchal system, and [insert aggrieved group and their respective grievance here].
Here’s the flaw in the argument however: Does it delegitimize the talking points? Well, does a woman’s failure to obtain a privileged position in a patriarchal society delegitimize her concerns? Does any conservative talking point about black people delegitimize their concerns and grievances? For particular groups it’s perfectly acceptable to complain about the game when you’re losing. It’s interesting however, that even men(many of which are members of minority groups) are perfectly okay with making men’s romantic failures(and often subsequent legal problems) simply a matter of personal responsibility.
I’m sure someone will say it’s not the same. So saying the wage gap is largely due to female choices, and black socioeconomic issues is simply a matter culture, character and behavior issues is not the same as pointing out that a minority of men being favored by the majority of men are not equally legitimate concerns?
I’m not even sure why – or even if – this is an actual debate. Who’s really opposing the idea of self improvement? I could be wrong, so I’m open to correction. Those of us who consider ourselves as “Educated Lames” aren’t opposing self improvement. What we’re opposing is the following. We’re attempting to have a conversation about how there’s a problem with (black) women. There’s a problem with the way they operate and the way they select which men they’ll avail themselves to sexually and romantically. At some point, a man who considers himself “select” or “alpha” will join the conversation. His message is “Oh shut up and stop complaining, y’all just need to self improve and you won’t have any issues with women.” He’s dismissing the entire conversation as merely a petty “circle-jerk” of butt-hurt losers with no game. Forget the legitimate grievances being raised. “If you just self improve and enjoy a bit of success with women, none of what you’re saying will matter anyway.” We’re opposing the dismissal of grievances.
Another issue with it. Only ELs are being told they need to self improve. So let’s process this for a second. Guys who are otherwise hard working, law abiding, educated, and have decent morals need improvement. The other side – Pookie and Ray Ray – aren’t being told they need to get their act together. They’re not being told to take care of the children they’re making out of wedlock. They’re not being told to try and operate legitimately or try to work and perform at whatever job they can get. It’s ELs who need to improve. So okay, the obvious retort is “Pookie and Ray Ray aren’t the ones complaining. ELs are.” That’s true, but that in itself gets into a larger problem I mentioned in passing here. An EL has to be his fully actualized self to be successful with women, while the other side can merely show up and impregnate 4 different female corrections officers. It raises the question of what constitutes improvement? Improvement toward what exactly?
Final point. It’s interesting(ironic) how when the conversation is about the overall socioeconomic failure of black men, it makes perfect sense to bring up how systemic white supremacy opposes us and keeps us down. White supremacy is not seen as an excuse. It’s a reason. To say we black men as a collective need to “self improve” by reading and studying more, practicing punctuality, practicing sexual discipline and responsibility gets you run out of town and called a “Coon.” When the discussion is that there’s something dysfunctional in the sexual marketplace and something dysfunctional about female mating behaviors it’s all just a matter of personal responsibility.
Sure, we should get in the gym and improve our diets. We should get better haircuts and practice better overall grooming. We should spend some money on nicer clothes and develop our personal charisma. We should continue to pursue success in our careers. We should do all of those things. Self improvement, however, shouldn’t be code for “Shut the fuck up ya lil punk ass bitches.”
Forgive me for the round about nature of this entry, but I’m confident that it will make sense when it’s all said and done. Life initially was neither male nor female. Reproduction was asexual. At some point however, an event took place. The first Y chromosome evolved. The Y chromosome bestowed an evolutionary advantage onto its progenitor. This allowed individuals within an environment to transmit divergent genetic material to one another. As such it allowed for the transmission of particular traits. Moving forward it facilitated and assisted with the very phenomena of evolution. As life continued to evolve so too came self awareness. Subsequently came the phenomena of self identification and self distinction.
Fast forward to the rise of humanity. Somewhere along the way came systems of power and dominance. Maleness at its inception was merely an incident. It created its own usefulness as a tool to transmit genetic material. It functioned well as a tool until it became self aware and self defining. With the other advantages it had already evolved it maneuvered into a position of power and subsequently, dominance. It began to dominate(and perhaps oppress) the non-male life from whence it came.
Going back to human life, it created tools and subsequently machines to achieves its own desired purposes. Increasingly however, the tools and machines are evolving to outpace their creators in all ways imaginable. What we have yet to imagine is a world in which our til m tools and machines are self aware and self identifying…A world in which we’re dominated by the machines and tools we produce.
Women have evolved quite a bit in thought. So much so that in many cases I’ve been convinced to side with women in their rhetoric. One such talking point has to do with female autonomy. In particular women have largely been limited in their autonomy throughout history. Men excel in areas of brute force and related endeavors. As such it’s created a position of power and dominance for men. Most resources are controlled by men. Most of the systems under which humanity exists were created and controlled by men. It’s created an environment in which humanity – women in particular – are under the control of men.
Women have to rely on men for their survival resources. Subsequently, so much of a woman’s existence is spent catering to male whims and desires. “Pick-me” is merely a modern pejorative to describe a woman a who’s all too comfortable with the male-female power dynamic and would prefer to simply seek out a comfortable place in it. It’s a very disempowering situation that women have to rely so heavily on men for resource provision and personal security.
I agree with feminist thought that such a situation is inherently oppressive. Here’s where I diverge and return to my pro-male, patriarchal leanings. In as much as you(women) live under the oppression of needing me for your resource provision and security, I exist under a certain type oppression as well. I(my genetic material) rely on you to continue existing. You’re the gate keeper who determines if I(my genes) continue to exist. So much so is this reality, that much of male existence is spent competing with other males – often to the extent of violent death and murder.
By all means it should be a straight forward and reasonably negotiated exchange. It’s quite interesting that we’ve made it into an adversarial competition.
I guess I’m simping. I’ll just have to be that guy in this instance. Maybe the following disclaimer will grant me some cover:
I absolutely believe there’s a problem with the way women select men. I stand for that and believe that. I believe pookie and Ray Ray enjoy way too much success with women in the community and the female collective should be held accountable for that. That’s a hill I’ll always be willing to die on.
Please don’t take my membership of team good guy.
My issue is this however. We really need to come out of the belief that a good guy can’t win in the sexual marketplace – including with black women. It’s not “only” thugs and bad guys who win with (black)women. Let’s have a mental experiment. Name a bunch of physically fit, well-dressed, well-groomed successful professionals who are struggling to attract a decent woman. Trick(rhetorical) question. I’m not sure such a thing exists. I suppose that’s the trick. As a good man you have to be your idealized self: Look your best and be your best. In other outlets I’ve discussed the women that curved me. It’s something that has permanently shaped my perspective. On 2 particular occasions when I was doing my first go around in college there were young women I was going crazy for. On both occasions they rejected me. Rejection happens – such is life. The meat of the story, however, is who they ultimately ended up with. They didn’t go out and get with Pookie and Ray Ray or some cad, “playa” type guys.
The first young woman ultimately ended up with a guy who not only played football at the university, but went on to medical school after graduation. Today he has a Dr. in front of his name.
The other ultimately married a man who was not only a decorated officer in the US Army, but he went on to get 3 graduate degrees – one of which is a JD from the state’s flagship University. He started his own legal practice as well.
I know these guys personally. They’re definitely “good” men. No criminal cases. No baby mama drama. No grand rumors of disreputable behavior. Thing is, these are men who have their stuff together.
Those are personal anecdotes – sure – but there are also other, more high profile instances of the good guy winning. Russell Wilson is winning. I know, I know. I’m going to write a post making that case and link it to this post shortly. Steph Curry – save for Ayesha’s reckless comments – has been winning for the most part. Will Smith is winning. Denzel Washington and Barack Obama are winning. All good guys, but “on point” good guys.
I acknowledge that it can still be irritating that a “good” guy has to be so “on point” to win with women while Pookie and Ray Ray have to be nothing more than what they are. At the end of the day however, life’s simply not fair. Even if it seems like the game is not in your favor, you still have to make your best effort. If you’re going to hop the fence or go SYSBM there’s not much wrong with that. Still beware however that you have to have certain things going for yourself.
It was a Day that will never be forgotten and perhaps has even shaped how I’ve move about life.
I learned a bit. I perhaps didn’t learn it that day, but I acquired the experiences to be reviewed and learned from at a later date. Today is that later date. In fact, I can now say that I’m all better for it.
Here’s the scenario – the bait. But first, allow me to partially analyze myself and discuss how I got “got.” In as much as I’ve been bullied in my life, I too have bully tendencies. Bullying is fun. It feels good in the moment. It’s fun to enjoy a cheap laugh at the expense of others. It’s antisocial behavior and it’s cruel, but it’s fun in the moment.
So here goes. The first situation is as follows. A woman posts on Facebook – “I’m 29 with no kids – What am I?”… This was too juicy of a trolling opportunity for me to not take advantage of. I jumped into her comments section and said the following…
“a closet lesbian…a woman with trash nookie…a recipient of several abortions – baby killer…idk, what are you?”
then followed up with…
“Oooh, I got it, A trannie!!!!, You’re a trap aren’t you? It’s cool, this is a judgment free zone”
She dm’d me to confront me. We had a couple of rounds of seemingly flirtatious back and forth banter so I figured it was all good. Nope.
She screen shot and shared our exchange as well as my original comments. She even made it seem as if I was the one who initially dm’d her – I wasn’t. I became a laughing stock and 2 days of material for her friends to mock and pick apart. She even came to my page to troll me. The cyber bully had become cyber bullied. Ouch!!! I took the bait and I became the victim. I ultimately blocked her. I don’t apologize for what I said. It was freaking hilarious. To this day however, I regret being so reckless and not realizing what kind of person(crazy bitch) I was dealing with. I’ll bring the lessons all together in a second, but first…
The other situation…
This was a woman who posted a pic with her boyfriend – a man I considered a pretty good friend. They were clearly drawing attention to her breasts, with an “MCM” caption. I pointed out that they were in fact drawing attention to her breasts. She got offended, said I was on some “fuck shit” and unfriended me. I then had an exchange with her boyfriend – who remember, I had up to that point considered a fiend – in his inbox and he also angrily unfriended me.
Both cases turned into quite the shit storm. In both cas)es I was reckless. I fell for the troll bait and got myself in trouble. The women involved, however, did what they wanted. They engaged in attention and validation seeking behavior and when it didn’t go the way they desired and they got trolled by Louie Jacuzzi, they defended themselves accordingly. I can’t be mad at a person for defending themselves I suppose, but it was troll bait nonetheless. It was attention seeking behavior nonetheless. The overarching lesson – the take away I suppose is that you can behave in any way that you’re prepared to defend… or convince others to defend.
In as much as I’m doing these things to attract women, I’m also pursuing these goals as a form of self validation. I need to be able to say to myself and have it within my own mind – “This is what I bring to the table, and you?” I always do these things in the form of a numbered list. Even to me, that format has gotten a bit tired. Heck, even cataloguing these things has gotten a bit old. I still do it however, to keep myself focused on what I’m doing. The shift then, is that I’ll instead write this in purely narrative form. So it begins.
Obviously fitness is a top priority – as looks are a top priority. I’m very close if I can just stay focused. I want to keep my weight at or below 180. That’s the approximate weight where I see a relatively flat stomach and slender waist. I want to maintain a consistent bench press and incline press regimen. In my experience – as long as I can bench over 205, I see noticeable muscles in my chest area. I’m going to work out with a body-building style focus on my biceps and triceps. The weight I lift might not be particularly heavy, but my focus is form and “burn.” I discovered somewhat recently that biceps and triceps are more affected by consistent motion and contractions. In 2 or 3 months I might add 10 pounds, but the focus will remain on form and muscle contraction. The same is true for my shoulder workout. I do a bit of shrugs and lifts, and I might ultimately add other workouts. I’ve recently added a leg day, so my leg and lower body workout is in its infancy. So let’s put these goals all together. I’m a little over 5’10”. I’ll be at or below 180 with a relatively slender waistline, and visible muscles in my arms, chest, and shoulders. That’s a set of goals that are both attainable and sustainable. Maybe down the road – after I’ve achieved those points – I’ll try to push further on the fitness levels. Maybe I’ll start pushing for bulk on the arm, shoulder and chest muscles, but one thing at a time.
Financially, I want to make a certain income. I’m not going to specifically put a number out there. Instead I want to focus on lifestyle. I live in a pretty nice apartment in a pretty nice area. I’m still going through a bit of a down season career-wise, so it’s a bit of a squeeze, but I’m not that far from being able to comfortably afford it. I want to achieve that level of comfort. I want to slightly improve my vehicle – something like a late year model Honda Accord, or an Impala. That’s a decent looking mid-tier sedan that – while not particularly flashy – is nothing to be embarrassed with. I want to be able to go out on dates 2 or 3 times per month. I will put out a dollar amount on dates however. In my experience, a good number is $40 – $80, going up to $140 if it’s a special occasion or if I just really feel like showing off. 2 – 5 times per year I want to be able to take a road trip complete with hotel accommodations for me and a woman to another nearby major metro area. I want to be able to consistently buy nice new clothes – including suits, shoes, watches and cologne. Obviously, I want to be able to get my hair cut and beard trimmed every two weeks – if not every week. I want to be able to save and invest. Specifically I want to be able to consistently buy cryptos, stocks, bonds, and certificates.
I want to get my cholesterol down to below the medically acceptable levels, and I want to get my A1C blood sugar below 8 -then below 6. I suspect that if I do that it will help to fix certain “other problems.”
I want to have an active YouTube channel with a good number of subscribers and video views
I want to work on this. If I can get an increase of 15% that’d be awesome.
When I hit those points I’ll be able to approach women with a certain confidence level. I hope however, that it remains a story of what I’m doing and building and doesn’t become a story of what I’ve done in hopes of attracting a woman.
qualities or attributes regarded as characteristic of men.
“handsome, muscled, and driven, he’s a prime example of masculinity”
I had to start with a definition. From what I can gather it appears to be a social construct. The phrase “regarded as characteristic of men” pretty much gives away the game.
That’s okay. The Western standard of masculinity is more attainable than many would believe. Similar to sex appeal and general attractiveness, there are a series of characteristics that can be integrated into almost any natural personality. General fitness and musculature are good places to start. It doesn’t necessarily require an acute interest in tools, cars, or computer hardware. It does, however, seem to require a certain level of aggression and a general comfort with violence. I’d also add that a general interest in Male oriented activities is also a component of masculinity.
The aggression part is not necessarily in the form of physical violence. In fact it could simply be in the form of an overarching drive to succeed and a level of competitive inclination. A person could be an aggressive business man or professional who tends to work 60+ hours per week to excel in their chosen field of endeavor. That appears to be something that can be developed by way of lifestyle. My personal strategy is to engage in a series of particular activities which push myself to work hard and intentionally place myself in scenarios in which I have to level up. In that way I’m forcing drive and competitiveness onto myself. My weight lifting has proven to be such an activity. My recent push for certifications has been another such activity. Working to become the best at my career is such an activity. Women see it and many are attracted to it. As I get further in the above processes and experience more success therein I anticipate the development of a certain “edge.”
A muscular, driven, well groomed, yet graceful, composed, and well spoken man is pretty alpha.
I want to add to my masculinity however, that level of comfort with physical violence. As such I intend to take up Mixed Martial Arts. I don’t expect to make it to the UFC, but if I can get good enough to win a semi-pro prize fight or two I will have achieved my goal of having an above average skill level in hand-to-hand combat. I’ll never be the guy looking for a fight, but if I can be the guy who feels no obligation to back down from one then it’ll prove to be a nice compliment to my fitness, drive, and competitiveness.
As for the general interest in Male oriented activities; along with the fitness and professional drive, I already have a set of interests that I think are pretty manly. I’m a pretty hefty sports fan – to the point of geekdom. I’m a tournament gamer as well. Living a life filled with such activities I think should pass just about anyone’s rubric of masculinity.
**The guy who wants to see black women “choking in a pool of their own excrement”**
**The toxic Incel**
He’s developed quite an infamous name for himself. He and his echo box have irritated and brought mental and emotional discomfort to quite a few people. He’s not shy about admitting that one of his driving forces has been his history of scorn and rejection in dealing with women. His most (in)famous story is his “Prom Story” in which he was rejected by the women he wanted but subsequently presented with (force fed) a group of young women he referred to as the “four homely sisters” by ladies of his own family. He eventually made quite the scene and stopped talking to his mother and sisters for a prolonged period of time.
Obsidian captured me personally as a fan early on because he was always skillful in debunking common talking points by black women in the area of dating and relationships. He was good at deconstructing and punching holes in accepted narratives about black men and black relationships.
Here’s why I’ve stayed a part of his fanbase for the last 4-ish years:
1. As I mentioned, he’s skillful in counter arguing and debunking accepted narratives and talking points about black men and black relationships.
2. Well, this one(and the next one) gets into a bit of personal history for me. My upbringing and development was black middle class and largely matriarchal. My primary influences in life were women/girls/females. I was often a “fly on the wall” sitting and listening to female conversations. If allowed to talk uninterrupted long enough, women’s conversations will invariably shift in the direction of men/males…and it was rarely positive. It was always about how annoying, inadequate, or incompetent the men in their lives were. I have a bad habit I suppose of always paying attention to what’s being said and not enough to who’s saying it. I tend to miss perspective and context. As such, the message I walked away with was ultimately “(Black) Men suck.”
It didn’t stop there however. Continuing in my development, I’d often watch a bit of day time talk shows. Now allow me to be intellectually honest and point out that it wasn’t always a necessarily dedicated panel set up to bad mouth men – black men in particular. What it was however, was a women’s space. The atmosphere of it was pro woman often to the extent of being anti man. This was bigger than just Oprah. This was Donahue, Ricki Lake, Sally Jesse Rafael, Rolanda, Bertice Berry, and a list of various others. Male guests were typically booed on entry to the stage. A common show theme or topic was some variation of “Awesome, perfectly innocent woman who did everything right gets victimized and mistreated by some evil, sinister (usually black) man.” The audience was always on the woman’s side and empathetic to her…even when it was revealed that she was complicit in whatever may have transpired. Men were inherently guilty… even when their behavior might have been justified/justifiable.
Oh, there’s more. At night I’d turn on family sitcoms and it seemed like all the male characters were bumbling semi-retarded or semi-autistic morons, while all the female characters were smart and well put together.
Heck, I’d go to church every Sunday, and either the pastor or a deacon, or an elder, or some man would be certain to take a moment to “thank God for his wife, for without her he could barely tie his own shoes.”
So the ultimate messages embedded in my psyche were: Men bad, women good. Men stupid, Women smart… and…I had to be different. I had to be “nice” and caring, and compassionate, smart, and empathetic.
This is all very poor programming for a young man. Don’t let your sons grow with this type of messaging. It warps their world view.
Obsidian, the black manosphere, and the larger manosphere have been my counter balance. They’ve helped me to undo the programming of my upbringing. They’ve brought balance and allowed me to see men for what we are and what we do and women for what they are and what they do. We’re all people. We have our flaws and our advantages…our strengths and our weaknesses…our vices and our virtues.
3. So then we get to the point at which I start trying to date young women and get into relationships. I’m carrying around the mental and emotional conditioning of my upbringing. I often even felt guilty for wanting a woman I was actually attracted to. Certainly I should be a top pick. I’m smart/competent, relatively clean, caring and compassionate, I’m a Christian, and I’ll never beat on you or cheat on you. BUNK!!! The kind of man I was, ended up perpetually the “friend”, listening to her cry and moan about the guy she was actually attracted to. So yeah, I got that “nice guy resentment” real bad. Had I known then what I know now, I would’ve devoted more of my energy to myself and focused more in my formative years on sports and fitness, my looks, and game. I do it now, and slowly but increasingly I’m starting to reap the results. I just wish I had done so earlier. I’m not one to say women just don’t want a good man. That’s not the case. The message that gets missed is that women as an ideal want an attractive, masculine, charismatic good man. I missed that part before the word “good.” I was real salty when I got that red pill at first and the Obsidians of the world – along with the rest of the manosphere – provide spaces for guys like me to go and commiserate and air our grievances. It’s almost like daytime talk for men, lol.
So yeah, that’s why I support guys like Obsidian and his ilk.
