It’s always a less than comfortable topic for me. If I’m writing about it there’s probably something crappy going on. So okay, here goes. I’ve been dating quite a bit lately. I’ve spent more than I care to – especially in this past weekend. I should probably be happy right now. For the most part, the women I’m dealing with seem to desire for things to progress. I’m bugged out however. The one I have the highest opinion of – the one I’m really pining for is the least available. She’s “busy.” I know what it is. I’m not that high on her list. It’s quite unfortunate however. She’s the one I’m really into. She’s just not that into me. I’m not really excited about the other women I’m seeing. They seem pretty excited on their end however. I’m trying to process why I’m so bothered. She’s not that into me. Move on to the next one. Right? For Christsakes I got 4 others. There are women who’ve curved me and stopped talking to me, but it didn’t affect me at all. This one however, is affecting me and painfully so. I’m messing with my sense of myself. The others I lost because of jerk tendencies. She’s getting nice patient Louie. Louie is neither nice nor patient. She’s not the most available to talk to. She insists she doesn’t get most of my texts. She turned me away when I saw her last and attempted to kiss her. I plan on throwing a hail Mary with her – not because I expect it to actually work, but to wash my hands of the situation and start the process of getting over it. I’m going to eat the whitish m emotional damage but I’m not sure what I’m supposed to learn from it. Maybe the lesson is simply that I’m not there yet.
I’ve agreed to seek counseling. I recently called a free counseling service to try and enroll. I haven’t gotten in touch with them yet, but I hope to soon do so. Lately I’ve had a few moments where I’ve been emotionally riled up. I watched a few YouTube videos from women that were very scathing and antagonistic towards men. I was upset and they stung a bit, but I was able to think my way through them. I dismissed them as “cheesy attempts at clapping back.” I consume a lot of content from the (black) manosphere. Plenty of harsh criticisms of (black) women. What they say make sense to me. It all rings as true and correct.
Here’s where things went awry. I was on IG and I passed by the page of Angel Ramirez Jordan. Men like himself and Lenon Honor are “anti-manosphere.” He presented a video titled “Why black men don’t protect black women.” I thought for once he might actually try to contextualize life as a man and the grievances and concerns that go along with it. I thought for once he’d acknowledge the humanity of men. Nope. It was a 30 minute montage of men singing the praises of the “black Godess” and some crossed over into berating men. So many people love to issue “tough love” to men. Dating and life coaches do it a bit as well. Women love to see it. They love to see a man “checking other men.” It strokes their own ego. What are some things that irritate Louie? Man-shaming…”You ain’t a real man…”, “A real man does/is/should…” I get all the more irritated when it comes from a man. I think about how dismissive guys like Lenon Honor when men try to contextualize our situation. I think about how no one really wants to hear male grievances – at least not for long. I think about how much we’re gaslighted and how much “yeah, well you know what else…”-ism we’re presented with. Tonight I thought about all of that started to rage out and contemplated brutally attacking the next man I heard do such.
It came at an interesting time. I prayed for God to show me how to be more composed and control my emotions, and show me how I could get better as a man. At the very least it showed me that I need to control how I react to certain stimuli and get in the habit of thinking things through. I need to train my responses to be controlled and to reason my way through things. It’d also be nice if I could continue to master humility, but simultaneously maintain a composed masculine frame.
I had some embarrassing and humiliating moments at my job lately. I lost my composure and reacted emotionally and to a small extent, made a scene. I consider it a failure on my part. After I was able to calm down, I was able to think and reason more clearly. Removing myself from certain situations may be a helpful strategy. I still need to figure out what to do when I can’t remove myself, and how to think and reason with composure.
I need to parse some of this out. My emotional responses to people have affected my ability to learn. It’s affected certain in places in life I was trying to reach that I couldn’t.
I’m not sure where I’m going with all this. I’m just getting it all out.
So I was having a pretty crappy day with various personal relationships. A close female friend decided she no longer wanted to deal with me because I can be calloused and judgmental. Subsequently my best friend – whom I consider like a brother – curved me and no longer wants to deal with me. He’s been put off by my sexual marketplace loser rhetoric. No one cares nor wants to hear the struggles of a man like me. I went to a woman who’s still a friend. I told her about some of my plight and explained some of what I’m dealing with. She wanted to know what an emotional dump from me looks like and sounds like. I decided to let loose. My first draft was very rough and needed editing. The following is a grammatically cleaned up version of that exchange.
The Overall Issue:
I’m chasing an ideal – an ideal as a man. I have deeply seeded beliefs of what a man is supposed to be – A synchronized combination of stoic, aggressive, and assertive. Because I’m not naturally that way I often feel I’m defective. At various points in my life I was bullied and beaten up. In many ways growing up I felt like there was something wrong with me – that I was defective. An outgrowth of my insecurity and broken self esteem is my obsession with being able to attract a certain tier/type of woman. It’s my evidence that I’m not defective. I believe we are what we are, but I’m trying to load up on looks and money because at least then I can always say to myself…”Oh you think I’m corny? Well these pecs and biceps ain’t corny. This [European Luxury Car] ain’t corny. This 4000 square ft house ain’t corny. That orgasm I just gave that attractive woman last night ain’t corny.” That’s the foundation of it.
Getting deep into it:
I’ve come across “red pill” information and talking points. It’s proven to be quite a troublesome rabbit hole. I have some honest female friends who have cosigned those red pill ideas and talking points. I coupled my own insecurities with this new information . Subsequently, it has added to the issues I have with women. I’m angry with the female collective for not being honest and forthcoming about what they are and what they want. I’ve been informed about the darker aspects of female nature – particularly sexual and mating nature. I know why women can’t be honest. Even guys like myself who insist we want the truth can’t really handle the truth. I’m going to judge women for the truth – but I still want it. I’m not even sure what use I have with the truth, but I want to hear them say it. When they do own up to it I’m mocking and judging them. I questioning whether I want to commit to and partner romantically with a woman.
Deeper into the problems caused by the Red Pill:
According to Red Pill thinking – which at this point I’m convinced of – many women won’t require much in the way of time and/or effort to cross certain physical lines if she’s genuinely comfortable with and attracted to a man. Heck, she wants to experience him just as much as he wants to experience her. While I’ve been a beneficiary of that aspect of a woman’s nature it’s become a double edge sword in the area dating and trying to connect to a woman romantically. If she’s making me wait or put in what seems to be added effort romantically, maybe she’s just not that into me. “Why is she wasting my time? Is she trying to game me and manipulate me? Does she just like attention or nice free dinners?” Obviously there’s a gargantuan blind spot. I made it a zero sum game when reality is much more nuanced. Maybe she’s in fact looking forward to physically engaging with me but “doesn’t want to make that mistake again with another man…” Maybe she recently ended a relationship and doesn’t want to hastily open herself to a new man. Maybe she has an STD and wants to protect me because she does in fact, see me as a great guy(which thank God, I’ve been a beneficiary of at least 3 times.) It could be any reason, but I should’ve at least allowed for that and not reacted the way I did.
Speaking of “into and attracted.” I’m neurotic about whether or not a woman is genuinely attracted to me. I’m terrified that I’m just “Tuesday night’s dinner” or a “practical consideration.” Another red pill belief I’m convinced of: looks/attractiveness matters to women. Consequently I believe that it’s not too far outside of a woman’s nature to sleep with a man on the basis of pure animalistic attraction. This is also something I’ve been the beneficiary of. There have been instances when I was a bit more fit and in a better place in life where I encountered a woman and didn’t really talk to her or much less give her anything personality-wise to actually connect to. I can say with certainty she went to bed with me on the basis “oooh look at this cute guy in the suit…I wonder what he’s working with.” Again, it’s another double edged sword. I’ll now meet a woman. I’m attracted to her. It seems like we’re having a great conversation. It seems like we genuinely get along as people, but she either rejects me outright or designates me as a nice friend. My mind instantly goes to “she just wasn’t into me or wasn’t attracted to me.” That might not be the case, but it’s the only answer that makes sense to me especially given the first half of this narrative.
I resent some of my friends. They’re so much of what I wish I was as a man. I resent God for not making me more like that. I have more to say, but I need to organize my thoughts.
I have to be honest with myself. There’s a good number of women who’d be happy to have me as the man in their life. The issue is, I’m not attracted to them. They’re not the women I actually want. I recently adopted a policy of no longer dealing with women I don’t want. I’ve done too much damage and hurt too many people.
Meanwhile, I spend an inordinate amount of time feeling sorry for myself. I’m certainly doing the work of trying to self improve in ways that will attract women who are closer to what I desire. It’s just that it’s taking longer than I’d like. Even after I’ve developed the tangible attributes that I feel I’ll need to attract such women, I still have to work out the intangible attributes of game and personality to successfully engage with such women. I shouldn’t be in this mode however. I know what’s before me. I know what it is I want. It’s just that every failure feels dramatic. It’s a grand reminder of where I stand. Honestly I don’t even think it’s about the women. It’s about my position in the game. It’s what the women I can attract tell me about myself. Again though. The onus is on me. I’m not “starving.” I’m just not getting to enjoy the foods that I want. So I’m frustrated, and I’m emotional. What would make me feel better? Another 10 pounds down? Visible muscles in my arms chest and shoulders? A bigger d**k? Whatever it may be, I need to always remember: The isn’t about not getting, It’s about my preferences.
Every so often, I have to do this. I have to keep in mind what I’ve done and what I need to do. This is a type of therapy for me. I have to do a type of soft audit of achievements and improvements. This typically comes after some form of disappointment – usually in the arena of dating. I kinda-sorta knew it, but I’ve finally vocalized it in a conversation with a friend. “I’m not at the level of the women I want.” I’m getting there. I’d even say I’m close. I’m just not there yet. So here’s where I am.
1. I got a new job that pays pretty well – more money than I’ve made at any position. I’m lucky however, Covid-19 has created an opportunity for me to mostly study for certification exams. I have to keep working on my skills overall so I can become a fixture in the role. I need to get more certs as a selling point and a way of validating my skills. That way if something happens and I lose this awesome job I can bounce into another even higher paying job.
2. Speaking of certs I now have 5 of them. Professional Scrum Master, ITIL, Lean 6 Sigma Green Belt, Comptia Project+, and CAPM. I’m studying for my Comptia A+/Net+/Security+ and subsequently an MCSE, then ultimately Cloud credentials.
3. I still live in a pretty nice apartment. I’m glad about that.
4. I’ve been losing weight. Although it’s mostly due to water cutting, I’m still excited to see low 190s on the scale. Another 10 to 15 pounds and that’ll be all the weight I desire to lose – unless I’m still seeing belly flab.
5. Because of Covid-19 I’m cautious about going to the gym. I do have a dumbbell that I work my arms with at home. I know exactly what I want to start doing if I ever get back in the gym: Bench press, inclined press, Declined Press, Assisted Pull ups, Shoulder lifts, Shoulder shrugs, Seated curls like I currently do at home, and vertical arm lifts.
6. I still need chiropractic assistance and help with my diabetes
7. I downloaded an app to track my intermittent fasting. It does appear to be helping.
8. After I’ve paid off my consumer debt I want to start buying nice clothes again.
9. I obviously want to save, invest and start looking toward buying a home again.
10. Still haven’t started working on certain other areas, but I hope I get to.
11. Almost forgot. Had to come back and edit. I got a nicer and newer vehicle. Later year model, not wrecked. It absorbed the negative equity in my old car. Super blessed
12. Also in a different place faith wise. Not hardcore like at other points in my life, but my primary thing is to simply stay on God’s good side and pray for continued blessings in life. Things have been pretty good in that regard. I’m glad God is accepting what I’m offering. I need to be better though.
So yeah. The woman I want meets the 4 basic criteria below:
1. No kids
2. No STDs
3. A solid 6.5 or 7(or better) looks wise
4. 37 or younger(or at least younger than me)
5. The rest is simply mental, emotional, and spirtual compatibility.
I didn’t realize it, or didn’t really appreciate the reality of it, but those things are quite the premium to expect in the same woman. I need to be a more idealized version of myself if that’s what I want. I have to be professionally and financially stable. I have to get in shape to maximize my looks. I have to maintain positive energy and learn how to talk to and deal with women and people in general. I have to figure out a way to be more composed and maybe speak a little less.
I’ve made some gains, but I stil got a bit of ways to go.
So when certain men raise grievances about the current state of the mate market/sexual marketplace a common reply is “Who hurt You?” This is a part of a larger line of argumentation that the only persons who raise grievances about women or talk about the darker side of female nature and behavior patterns are simply scorned sexual marketplace losers. Well I’ll go ahead and concede that there’s plenty of truth in that in general. People as a general rule will not complain about a system im which they “win.” That expands beyond mating. It’s true with regard to racial grievances, female grievances with men and the larger patriarchal system, and [insert aggrieved group and their respective grievance here].
Here’s the flaw in the argument however: Does it delegitimize the talking points? Well, does a woman’s failure to obtain a privileged position in a patriarchal society delegitimize her concerns? Does any conservative talking point about black people delegitimize their concerns and grievances? For particular groups it’s perfectly acceptable to complain about the game when you’re losing. It’s interesting however, that even men(many of which are members of minority groups) are perfectly okay with making men’s romantic failures(and often subsequent legal problems) simply a matter of personal responsibility.
I’m sure someone will say it’s not the same. So saying the wage gap is largely due to female choices, and black socioeconomic issues is simply a matter culture, character and behavior issues is not the same as pointing out that a minority of men being favored by the majority of women are not equally legitimate concerns?
I’m not even sure why – or even if – this is an actual debate. Who’s really opposing the idea of self improvement? I could be wrong, so I’m open to correction. Those of us who consider ourselves as “Educated Lames” aren’t opposing self improvement. What we’re opposing is the following. We’re attempting to have a conversation about how there’s a problem with (black) women. There’s a problem with the way they operate and the way they select which men they’ll avail themselves to sexually and romantically. At some point, a man who considers himself “select” or “alpha” will join the conversation. His message is “Oh shut up and stop complaining, y’all just need to self improve and you won’t have any issues with women.” He’s dismissing the entire conversation as merely a petty “circle-jerk” of butt-hurt losers with no game. Forget the legitimate grievances being raised. “If you just self improve and enjoy a bit of success with women, none of what you’re saying will matter anyway.” We’re opposing the dismissal of grievances.
Another issue with it. Only ELs are being told they need to self improve. So let’s process this for a second. Guys who are otherwise hard working, law abiding, educated, and have decent morals need improvement. The other side – Pookie and Ray Ray – aren’t being told they need to get their act together. They’re not being told to take care of the children they’re making out of wedlock. They’re not being told to try and operate legitimately or try to work and perform at whatever job they can get. It’s ELs who need to improve. So okay, the obvious retort is “Pookie and Ray Ray aren’t the ones complaining. ELs are.” That’s true, but that in itself gets into a larger problem I mentioned in passing here. An EL has to be his fully actualized self to be successful with women, while the other side can merely show up and impregnate 4 different female corrections officers. It raises the question of what constitutes improvement? Improvement toward what exactly?
Final point. It’s interesting(ironic) how when the conversation is about the overall socioeconomic failure of black men, it makes perfect sense to bring up how systemic white supremacy opposes us and keeps us down. White supremacy is not seen as an excuse. It’s a reason. To say we black men as a collective need to “self improve” by reading and studying more, practicing punctuality, practicing sexual discipline and responsibility gets you run out of town and called a “Coon.” When the discussion is that there’s something dysfunctional in the sexual marketplace and something dysfunctional about female mating behaviors it’s all just a matter of personal responsibility.
Sure, we should get in the gym and improve our diets. We should get better haircuts and practice better overall grooming. We should spend some money on nicer clothes and develop our personal charisma. We should continue to pursue success in our careers. We should do all of those things. Self improvement, however, shouldn’t be code for “Shut the fuck up ya lil punk ass bitches.”
Males are Robots
Forgive me for the round about nature of this entry, but I’m confident that it will make sense when it’s all said and done.
Life initially was neither male nor female. Reproduction was asexual. At some point however, an event took place. The first Y chromosome evolved. The Y chromosome bestowed an evolutionary advantage onto its progenitor. This allowed individuals within an environment to transmit divergent genetic material to one another. As such it allowed for the transmission of particular traits. Moving forward it facilitated and assisted with the very phenomena of evolution. As life continued to evolve so too came self awareness. Subsequently came the phenomena of self identification and self distinction.
Fast forward to the rise of humanity. Somewhere along the way came systems of power and dominance. Maleness at its inception was merely an incident. It created its own usefulness as a tool to transmit genetic material. It functioned well as a tool until it became self aware and self defining. With the other advantages it had already evolved it maneuvered into a position of power and subsequently, dominance. It began to dominate(and perhaps oppress) the non-male life from whence it came.
Going back to human life, it created tools and subsequently machines to achieves its own desired purposes. Increasingly however, the tools and machines are evolving to outpace their creators in all ways imaginable. What we have yet to imagine is a world in which our til m tools and machines are self aware and self identifying…A world in which we’re dominated by the machines and tools we produce.
Women have evolved quite a bit in thought. So much so that in many cases I’ve been convinced to side with women in their rhetoric. One such talking point has to do with female autonomy. In particular women have largely been limited in their autonomy throughout history. Men excel in areas of brute force and related endeavors. As such it’s created a position of power and dominance for men. Most resources are controlled by men. Most of the systems under which humanity exists were created and controlled by men. It’s created an environment in which humanity – women in particular – are under the control of men.
Women have to rely on men for their survival resources. Subsequently, so much of a woman’s existence is spent catering to male whims and desires. “Pick-me” is merely a modern pejorative to describe a woman a who’s all too comfortable with the male-female power dynamic and would prefer to simply seek out a comfortable place in it. It’s a very disempowering situation that women have to rely so heavily on men for resource provision and personal security.
I agree with feminist thought that such a situation is inherently oppressive. Here’s where I diverge and return to my pro-male, patriarchal leanings. In as much as you(women) live under the oppression of needing me for your resource provision and security, I exist under a certain type oppression as well. I(my genetic material) rely on you to continue existing. You’re the gate keeper who determines if I(my genes) continue to exist. So much so is this reality, that much of male existence is spent competing with other males – often to the extent of violent death and murder.
By all means it should be a straight forward and reasonably negotiated exchange. It’s quite interesting that we’ve made it into an adversarial competition.
I guess I’m simping. I’ll just have to be that guy in this instance. Maybe the following disclaimer will grant me some cover:
I absolutely believe there’s a problem with the way women select men. I stand for that and believe that. I believe pookie and Ray Ray enjoy way too much success with women in the community and the female collective should be held accountable for that. That’s a hill I’ll always be willing to die on.
Please don’t take my membership of team good guy.
My issue is this however. We really need to come out of the belief that a good guy can’t win in the sexual marketplace – including with black women. It’s not “only” thugs and bad guys who win with (black)women. Let’s have a mental experiment. Name a bunch of physically fit, well-dressed, well-groomed successful professionals who are struggling to attract a decent woman. Trick(rhetorical) question. I’m not sure such a thing exists. I suppose that’s the trick. As a good man you have to be your idealized self: Look your best and be your best. In other outlets I’ve discussed the women that curved me. It’s something that has permanently shaped my perspective. On 2 particular occasions when I was doing my first go around in college there were young women I was going crazy for. On both occasions they rejected me. Rejection happens – such is life. The meat of the story, however, is who they ultimately ended up with. They didn’t go out and get with Pookie and Ray Ray or some cad, “playa” type guys.
The first young woman ultimately ended up with a guy who not only played football at the university, but went on to medical school after graduation. Today he has a Dr. in front of his name.
The other ultimately married a man who was not only a decorated officer in the US Army, but he went on to get 3 graduate degrees – one of which is a JD from the state’s flagship University. He started his own legal practice as well.
I know these guys personally. They’re definitely “good” men. No criminal cases. No baby mama drama. No grand rumors of disreputable behavior. Thing is, these are men who have their stuff together.
Those are personal anecdotes – sure – but there are also other, more high profile instances of the good guy winning. Russell Wilson is winning. I know, I know. I’m going to write a post making that case and link it to this post shortly. Steph Curry – save for Ayesha’s reckless comments – has been winning for the most part. Will Smith is winning. Denzel Washington and Barack Obama are winning. All good guys, but “on point” good guys.
I acknowledge that it can still be irritating that a “good” guy has to be so “on point” to win with women while Pookie and Ray Ray have to be nothing more than what they are. At the end of the day however, life’s simply not fair. Even if it seems like the game is not in your favor, you still have to make your best effort. If you’re going to hop the fence or go SYSBM there’s not much wrong with that. Still beware however that you have to have certain things going for yourself.